Platitudes don’t heal grief. Cliches are meaningless. Nothing a person could ever say could ease the pain of knowing you will never see your loved one alive in their body again. The physical loss is unbearable. Nothing anyone can say can ease this ache. Grieving people know this better than anyone. Grief radiates through the body – grief literally aches and exhausts.
Here are some things to do (and a few things to say) to someone who is grieving the loss of someone they love. Listen to your own body and inner voice as to what’s appropriate to the person and to you. Know your limitations yet be willing to deepen your capacities through the willingness to be uncomfortable.
- look them in the eyes, bear witness to their pain
- hug them and hold them
- ask them if you can listen (only do this if you can truly be present)
- cook them a meal
- bring them flowers
- send them a note, card, email to say you’re thinking of them
- offer to do an errand or chore and then do it
- make them tea and just sit with them with no expectations
- give them a foot massage
- remember their loved one through story (write them down if you can)
- acknowledge anniversaries, birthdays, holidays etc.
- ask them what they need or want and know they may not have the answer
Things to say:
- i am so sorry
- i love you
- i love _____ and will never forget them.
Grief doesn’t end with the funeral but support often drops off significantly after this event. Post-funeral is a time to show up even more. Even if you hear nothing in response, be persistent in your care and contact. In doing so, you are acknowledging the grief and remembering the person who was lost. This honoring matters more than words could ever say.